my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
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“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
So Kylie breaks up with Travis, Travis drops HITR and a week later Kylie drops her hit single “Rhïyse eñ Shìńë” which ultimately kick-starts her music career? Smells like another Kris Jenner masterclass to me idk idk
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Dada!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Papa!
Me: Say Mama.
Baby: Great Uncle Bartholomew.
Me: This is bullshit.
Baby: This is bullshit.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
we baptize all our dinosaurs just in case all that catholic shit turns out to be true
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
nicole kidman being in a film called babygirl is actually perfect cause it’s like another version of her last name
Everyone is so pissed off about the birds that they neglect to notice those eight maids a-milking also came with eight cows a-shitting.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her