my one cat vomited her dinner and then the other cat went in and started eating it
and that, my friends, is what chatgpt is to me
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I still giggle when i get in an Elevator and someone asks me “Going Down? ” as i am so tempted to say to them “Buy me dinner first”.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
Last Christmas I requested the electric chair for my mother-in-law and Santa brought her a motorised recliner. FML!
This motivates me more than any other cute quote or motivation pics! study cause u ugly
#getstudying #college
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
What’s dopamine is dopayours.
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
If you ever have doubts about whether people are stupid, ask a tattoo artist what they’ve had to refuse to do for a customer
ADIDAS: All Day I Dream About Sellingfeetpics
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
What legos do when we’re not looking.
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
fleetwood mac implies the existence of fleetwood dennis, fleetwood charlie, fleetwood dee, and fleetwood frank