Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—

ME: An octo-lie.

PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.

ME:

PROFESSOR:

ME: Mocktopus.

is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)

The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.

I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

No, YOUR illiterate.

I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.

Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!

How dare you call me mentally unstable, on this, the day of my cat’s quinceanera.

8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good

Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby

8: not like before

Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.

Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

Eve: I’m hungry

Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe

Eve: not this again

“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!

China has now legalised all gambling on the condition that it doesn’t make any political statement or upset public order.

Congratulations China, you are all now free to bet.

Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy

Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?

People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.

Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.

gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”

‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’

I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.

Why did Shrek go with Smashmouth’s All-Star and not Roxette’s “It Must’ve Been Love (But It’s Ogre Now)”

Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza. 
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.

“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”

– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.

host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam

sam: yeah and you as well

host:

sam:

host: killer job sammy boy

We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.

Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”

The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.

#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill

Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.