My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
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DOCTOR: “You sit down too much.”
ME: “I understand.”
DOCTOR: “Exactly.”
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it’s the next big thing.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
Bye, have a great day. I’ll see you after school, I tell the orange in my kid’s lunch
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
UBER DRIVER: it gets dark so early now
ME: please open your eyes
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Boss: Why is there an olive in your water?
Me: What water? Oh yeah this, this is definitely water.
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.