sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
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Arrested by a cop on a tandem bike and I had to help pedal all the way down to the precinct. 😠
When my wife and I started dating she’d jokingly tell me “Go play in traffic”. Now when she says it, she opens my car door while driving on the freeway.
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
ME: what’s the name of that soft french cheese we liked?
HER: camembert
ME: me either
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
😅😅😅
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
What is going on? 😅
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
Home Depot law decrees that if two dads are pushing carts down the same isle, the dad with the greater mustache has the right of way.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…