woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
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[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I need to find a way to politely tell the new girl that- how can I put this delicately?- aliens can smell her perfume in space.
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
[Jurassic Park]
kid: What do you call a blind dinosaur?
me: What?
kid: Do-you-think-he-saurus
me *pushes him out of the tree*
I try not to tell people I had shoddy dental implants done, but whenever in a conversation, it just comes out.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?