Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*

I’m here, Mistress.

*eats everything*
*dies*

Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.

My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun

angel: whatcha making?

god: *sharpening a fly* bee

kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”

People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.

They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.

I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit

So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.

Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.

The voices are having a huge argument tonight, I’m just hoping to fall asleep before the rational one drags me into it.

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again

The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not

When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.

Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*

Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*

wife: Did you help him with his math homework?
me: No
wife*shows me his paper where he answered every question with “This is stupid”*
me:Yes

A guy just tried to mansplain me what a sawhorse is but I shut him down because I am well aware that it’s the past tense of seahorse! Ok, thanksbuhbye.

if I ever lose an eye, I’ll want plastic surgery to move the remaining one to the middle

Fun Fact:

Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.

didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit

Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”

*hand over my wallet*

Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”

me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”

korean waiter: we do not serve this dish

My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.