Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent

You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.

🎶Where did you come from?
Where did you go?🎶

Me, seeing a mouse run past me across the kitchen floor

Dying sensei: Please, be mindful.. If you remember just one thing… A butterfly flaps its wings… hurricane, across the world …

Me (writing down in my notebook): Butteflys Dangerous

I don’t trust kids as far as I can throw them. Currently my record for trusting a kid is 6 feet 11-1/4 inches.

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:

Roommate: hey blake I just bought this whiskey wanna explain why it’s half empty?

Me: cause you’re a pessimist!

While on a family road trip

My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?

Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking

My Kid: How about at the next stop light?

Me: sure…

Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination

HR says I’m not allowed to scream “OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP” when I walk through the front door at work anymore 🙁

CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white

Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.

[at bar]

Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse

*nearby horse slams down his whisky*

COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY

*horse throws the 1st punch*

I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors

Me: I just ran into your brother.

Friend: How’s he doing?

Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.

love it when they get my name right

INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.

ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.

INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.

ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.

Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you

If E.T. is making your bicycle fly through the sky, why do you still have to pedal?

Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?

Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich

Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that

OK. So you’re REALLY good at interfering.

What do you want, a meddle?

‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch

A group of owls is called a flight of stares.

Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.

The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.