My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I know a kid who throws her dress over her head to “disappear.” Sadly, it does not have the same effect when I do it.
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
this sign has the same social anxiety i have
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
This looks like a job for..
*I rip open my jacket*
Jacket Repair Man!
*I sew my jacket back together*
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Pro tip: Any pillow can be a throw pillow when you want to get your kids to stop whining.
Her: come on over
Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe
Her: but I’m alone
Me: aren’t we all
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god