Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser

I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024

Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.

1) See laptop on empty table in crowded coffee shop. 2) Ask someone to watch it for you. 3) Leave before the owner returns.

I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.

ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: ready

ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked, Where were you between four and five?

I said, Kindergarten.

Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*

Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?

Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie

(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?

Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%

if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?

Captain’s Log:

Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.

Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.

The stickier the better.

-Rice, obviously

If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.

*sets alarm for 6:30*

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

[bar]

DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…

CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]

The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired

Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.

🤦🏻‍♀️😂😂

If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.

WIFE: Use the newspaper to get that bee down

ME: Ok *grabs newspaper and reads the news out loud*

BEE *depressed* holy shit

The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.

Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.

Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?

Me: just my cat

*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*

Mom: why are you using drugs???

stopped to pee at a McDonner’s