Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.

*whips out a pen for a sword fight*
“ok timeout. nope, this doesn’t feel mightier at all.”

[wife who bought regular paper towels instead of the select a size paper towels] what’s wrong? [me trying to clean a small to medium sized spill] nothing

Imagine if you had a sunflower seed as big as a laptop. That is everyday life for a hamster.

I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.

baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines

I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!

Animals…..

Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉

so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:

WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.

INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?

Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.

I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.

I’m learning that a large percentage of my students believe they could talk their way out of being sent to a concentration camp.

I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.

[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care

[when we’re a quarter of the way there]

Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-

Me: not yet Bon Jovi

Me: “Did you hit your little sister?”

3-year-old: “No, the ball did.”

Me: “Did you throw the ball?”

3: “No, my bat did.”

I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.

I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

[Wife finds me crying on kitchen floor]
Me: I fell & spilled honey on myself.
Wife:
Me: Will you ki
Wife: I’m not kissing your Honey Boo Boo

Me: [smiling]

Phone: face not recognized

Me: [stuffing my mouth with tacos]

Phone: oh there you are

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

the lady behind me in line at the grocery store saw my lil cake and was like ‘oh whats the occasion?’ maam the occasion is i have adult money and enjoy cake

I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!

In my 20’s: jingle all the way!

In my 40’s: jingle til around six thirty