My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
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Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
“What does your mother do for a living?”
“She sells shesells…I mean…Sea sells sea shells…dammit! She’s…a beachside entrepreneur.”
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases?
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I’m starting to suspect that maybe 2020 was not the reason for my problems.
Guys named Hugh are 75% ugh