Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.

“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.

“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”

I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.

I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.

Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)

Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.

Gf: “You want to know what your problem is?”

Me: *looks at watch* “Ok, but our dinner reservation is in six hours”

If my tweet gets more than ten likes, it’s a classic. If it gets fewer than ten likes, it’s a cult classic.

Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?

Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*

Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.

I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.

me missing my flight to montreal bc i didn’t know you needed a passport to go canada has become my ‘mispronounced word’ for my friends. whenever i’m about to do anything they go “do you need a passport?” it’s not even a funny joke. and i must live with it for the rest of my life

My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.

Sidled up to a busker who’d just murdered a Franz Ferdinand song yesterday and whispered “this is exactly how the First World War started”.

Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.

Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.

It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.

-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

Me trying to “trust the process”

Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.

People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?

Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities

Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?

When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.

I like my coffee like I like my men

Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away

[ultrasound]
Dr: your baby is 7mm in length
Me [whispering to wife]: ask him
Wife [sighs]: what is that in fruit sizes?

Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣

Bull: [angrily snorts]

Bulldog: [angrily barks]

French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]

got so much cardio in today