My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
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Stages of helping your kids with a project:
1. Ok first off, when is it due?
2. Wait, WHAT??
How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“Moooooooo”
– bilingual donkey
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I’m embedded with a mall-walking group. Tomorrow, we’re splitting a Cinnabon eight ways.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
when a bird is walking around on its little bird legs. it’s mocking you. it’s saying this is you. this is what you look like.
I like when the rain is misty and you get to feel like a grocery store broccoli for a little while.