Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you see me out in public but we haven’t talked since high school let’s keep it that way.

I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.

Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens

Batman: You’re hired

Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.

Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.

Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.

Sub-Zero: You first.

Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.

Me: Goodnight angel.

9: Tomorrow I need a short red wig and dress like Ed Sheeran for spirit day.

[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*

CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.

therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words

me: rude words

therapist: yes

me: rude words

therapist: i see

Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!

Me: *shoving my way to the front* no

me: clean your room
teen: okay

(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!

(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*

And now we wait.

“The author clearly signals that this is a tale told by an unreliable narrator,” I explained, gesturing to the stack of forms.

The IRS agents were not amused.

I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”

Tried to make a friendly comment about how I liked my neighbor’s very autumnal outfit, but I swerved too hard into friendliness, soared past over-familiarity, and landed on the arguably hostile “well if it isn’t Mr. Fall”

I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.

[after sex]

guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time

me: sorry im afraid of the dark

Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings

Why I hate technology:

Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.

“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”

“you have some nerve” yeah idiot i have like 7 trillion in me

I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.

[Attorney’s office]

*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*

Guess I just made an ash out of myself.

Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.

Husband: How short?

Me:

Husband: HOW SHORT?!

Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth

Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long

Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long

elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge

Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!

Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies