Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.

I picked up good pizza and took it to Little Caesars to show it what happens to bad pizza.

I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

people who dress up for flights who’re you trying to impress? the clouds? the beverage cart? the boy in seat 12B with the perfect almond eyes and the windswept hair with the crooked smile and those perfect freckles peppered across his nose? grow up

With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

[on a first date]

Her: …
Me: …

EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?

People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019

customer behind me in line: hey I think your phone is ringing

me: oh *declines it* thank you

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all

*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out

Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!

-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

Yes, I would take a bullet for you.

We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?

Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.

CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?

NSA: “U2’s New Album”

72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.

🦝🔥🦝🔥

I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?

Me: How do you like your new bed?

Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!

Me: What?

Dog: Wut

Dear teenage kids of mine,

When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.

So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!

My girlfriend and I are sharing an #Amazon account.

We’re prime-mates.

My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.

3% human
97% stress