Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.

*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”

MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”

I like my coffee like I like my women.

Not banging my friends.

I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”

wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”

I NEVER WORE EARPLUGS TO CONCERTS WHEN I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL AND I TURNED OUT FINE!

Told my partner I’d still love them if they were a worm but then took it too far by describing exactly what I’d do to them

When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

Who do you reach for in the middle of the night?

me, thinkng about the bottle of tums on my nightstand: definitely you babe

If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone

My sister got my 5 year old some glitter slime- that’s right, it’s got glitter AND it’s slime.

She has kids of her own, so it must be that I wronged her in some life-changing and tragic way.

So I’ll be over here trying to figure out what I did to her.

7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?

Me: Here just use this Captain America

4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME

But weight, there’s more!

– Thanksgiving

accurate

The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.

Hurricane. It’s fine.

Broken foot. Still fine.

Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.

Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.

Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.

[spitting] these berries don’t taste like a goose AT ALL

I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.