My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
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No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
whenever someone i know introduces me to someone else i say, “oh, this is the one u were talking about” &watch the awkward stares!
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
There’s a mirror on marketplace and the listing says “never used” like what do you mean???
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
Saw a billboard that said: Don’t be distracted by driving and texting. Next one said: Don’t be distracted by driving and reading billboards.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
When you put it that way… 😂
Them: You look tired.
Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation