Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dear autocorrect,

I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.

Quit your shit.

If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.

ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them

Movies are so unrealistic. This guy’s using his computer to access an alien ship & not once has it asked if he wants to upgrade his Adobe.

Dracula is actually one of the funniest books of all time. Jonathan Harkness shows up at Dracula’s castle, Dracula’s like “hey could you write like five letters to your fiance in advance that say you’re fine” and Jonathan is like “weird, but yes absolutely”

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible

The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.

I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.

*pops kid’s balloon*

*kid cries and runs away*

*picks up kid’s cake*

Husband: wtf is wrong with you?

Me: his piece was bigger!!

Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life

*friends describing me on Dateline*

She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.

cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me

me: no go away

cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…

Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.

She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.

CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!

PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!

Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast

Guy wearing Superman t-shirt. LOL. Way to blow your identity idiot.

i just took the price tag off of a gift i will be giving to my cat

Attention Wiccans don’t forget to feed your snakes before you go stand around in a graveyard all night tonight

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Dogs should be allowed to drive.

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink

landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*

also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late

Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.