Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Thanks to autocorrect, I told someone to be the cheese they want to see in the world. But maybe that’s an improvement?

Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..

Must be a communist plot.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”

born to say “are you fucking stupid” forced to say “wow i’ve never thought about it like that before”

me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*

wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine

me: *swallows another quarter* no

20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.

30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.

40s: What thread count are your sheets?

When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂

“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man

Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!

Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone

me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*

Feels like the fourth month in January

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!

Wife: I don’t like where this is going.

Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.

Wife: I’ll be at the bar

Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.

I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.

Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.

Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*

Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*

Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?

Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.

I come from a family of failed magicians.

I have 2 half sisters

Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵

From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵

Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!

Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.

“I’m an actress”

I watched your web series, and I disagree.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.

When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori

As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.