My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
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i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Someone in this world has consumed more mayonnaise than anyone else currently alive and they don’t even know it
MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bedMY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
[date]
HER: Do you want to have children?
ME: *leans in close* I thought you understood that I would be the child in this relationship.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Dad loved to say “there’s no price tag, must be free,” or, “there’s no expiration date, must be good,” now we hardly talk except when he calls from jail with food poisoning.
The next Godzilla/King Kong universe movie:
“How I Met Your Mothra”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
I was at a craft fair yesterday and I overheard a man say to his wife in a tone that conveyed no less than 6 emotions, Please no more potholders.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Apparently you can’t sell your eggs if you’ve been diagnosed with depression so I guess none of these people want funny kids
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
[guy who’s in a bad mood until lunchtime every day] yeah im kinda weird I guess, i don’t need breakfast
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
M: I don’t regret my past. I’m far too cold and calculating for regrets.
Lawyer: Okay, so I don’t want you saying that at the trial.
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.