My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
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I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Someone in the line at the gas station just now told me I had pretty hair, so I said thank you while laughing nervously and flipping it, hitting them right in the face. Let. Me. Die.
I’ve had my panties on inside out all morning and no one said anything!
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
The inventor of the condom was a hardwear engineer
…and send
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
GOD: there, my first animal 🙂
SNAKE:youre not done right? How am I supposed to move?
G:like this*shimmies*
S:
G:just kinda*shimmies*
S:dude
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
99% of people who quote Ayn Rand have either never read her or have never read her
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard:
Me:
Lifeguard: I’ll say it again. We don’t handle people who are drowning financially.
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
The best thing about humans is that many of the richest and most prosperous among us collect bottles of rotten grape juice.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.