My one-year-old niece has started saying “bye-bye” when she wants people to leave. Honestly, I’ve never been so influenced by a toddler before
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Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
NASA has no chill
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Leftovers are for quitters!
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy