Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao

My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time

I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say

[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

doctor: m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how to spell it

When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.

realization:
the asteroid that ended the dinosaurs was technically the highest ratio of killing birds to one stone in earths history

I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song

chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.

Mugger: give me everything you got

Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want

Mugger: ok nevermind

I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”

I’m locking my bedroom door tonight

My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister

Got a text from my husband this morning saying that this wasn’t working out and he wanted a divorce! Boy was I relieved when he texted back saying that he sent it to the wrong number.

Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.

🥲

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.

I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.

Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

Before I got an iPhone all I heard from my husband was how “intuitive” their products were. And I couldn’t help wishing they made spouses.

me: do you know what sarcasm is?

daughter: no I do not, please enlighten me, father

me: ok, well it mea-*squints eyes* wait a minute…

I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.

GPS: Take the next right.

Me:

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

GPS: Make a U-Turn.

Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…

Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?