My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
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If I ever meet you and you don’t look anything like your avi,you’re buying drinks for me until you do
I like to go to zen gardens and shout at things.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
[First day as pirate]
*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Boss: You need to work on your puncuality.
Me: Sorry, but commas, are hard, to place.
Boss: ….?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
We were never supposed to have this much access to stupid people’s thoughts, beliefs, and opinions.
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
I hope 100 years from now people will read my tweets and think ‘Wow, she was unwell’
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.