My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
You Might Also Like
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
My favorite self defense technique is to not let someone draw me into a fight.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My 6yo just told me all about this new place he heard about and wants to visit this weekend, so I asked for more details, aaaand it’s a casino
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
When people tell me “You’re gonna regret that in the morning” I sleep in til noon, because I’m a problem Solver
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
[zoo]
wanna see the reptiles?
GUY NOT READY TO ADMIT HE LOVES SNAKES: i mean sure if u wanna stare at things that are like one long muscle
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
[overhears wife complaining about me on phone] he’s always overreacting and making a mess
*spits chocolate milk everywhere* ARE YOU SERIOUS?
My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
Manager: Ok, this zoom meeting has to finish in 5 mins
Me: *switches cap backwards to sports mode*
Astronomer: hey look, a meteor shower!
Meteor: *scrubbing pits* a little privacy, perv.
Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?
Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
Gonna get “na na na na na na na na” tattooed on my forearm. I’ll tell girls it’s Hey Jude and I’ll tell dudes it’s the Batman theme.
[watches you eat my bday cake]
“I’ve poisoned that.”
“Haha very [clasps chest & begins panting] w-with what?”
[leans in & winks]
“Poison.”