My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
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who wore it better?
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.
Stay lazy my friends.
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Me to 2yo: Hey bud, what are you having for breakfast? Sausage? Eggs? Hash browns? Oh… 8 forkfulls of ketchup? Good job!
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Me: I love you more than a flower loves the sun.
10: I love you more than a teenager loves her phone
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
I’m an engineer and each morning when I load up my cargo pockets with my tools I pretend I’m holstering my weapons before going to get revenge for the murder of my wife, I don’t even have a wife
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
I can always tell what part of my cycle I’m in by how concerned my friends are over my tweets
Why do people always assume it’s a compliment when I tell them their baby looks just like them . . .
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.