Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”

The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.

Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.

So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.

Librarian: Shhh!
Me: *changes blender to low setting*

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

If kids these days had a perfume, it would be called
Audacity

Literally! 🤣 #dogs

United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.

I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today

one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more

“Time is of the essence”

Twitter: Hahaha nope

If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.

*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler

Yes I’ve gained weight. Too many people wanted to have sex with me. It was annoying.

Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?

Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.

WHAT ARE WE?

Writers!

WHAT ARE WE WRITING?

Snacks!

WAIT, WHAT?

Snacks first, THEN writing!

No, wait, coffee/tea too!

Maybe a nap beforehand!

THEN WRITING?

No, then Twitter

THEN WRITING!

Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow

#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity

The cast of Big Brother in Germany doesn’t know about covid-19 and they’re gonna tell them in a live TV special. I have to learn German by tomorrow.

Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.

it’s the cirrrrrrrrrrrrrcle of liiiiife

Helvetica is my favorite font that sounds like a heavy metal band

Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?

Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.

C:

Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.

When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…

I’m taking a group of 9yos to the water park today. My wife said “just try not to lose any of em” if you’re wondering about her confidence in my parenting skills.

Anyway if anyone’s seen a boy in sponge bob swim trunks please let me know thanks.

Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.

The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.

ME: Happiness often sneaks in through a door that you didn’t realize you left open.

ANIMAL CONTROL OFFICER: You weren’t supposed to name the raccoon before we got here-

I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.

Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.