Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.

I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.

I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich

♫ Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be… ♫

Wait, hang on…my bad, those are vultures.

I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado

Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh

Bad: at 4 AM.

Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.

not to brag, but mine was free

My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.

Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.

If you need me, I’ll be at the park eating bread in front of the ducks

In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties

[first date]

HER: i’m really into guys-

ME (eager to impress her): me too

Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.

coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]

normalize having existential bread

Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge

Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle

Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.

Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill

KFC hitting the cannibal market

“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight.” — The Swiss Army

me: sorry for speeding officer

cop: you’re parked

me:

cop: in the intersection

me: I can smell your thoughts

cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???

Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.

HOT KRAFT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA CAN’T WAIT TO BE MELTED BETWEEN TWO SLICES OF BREAD!!!

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag