My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
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I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Brie is my favorite cheese that sounds like a white girl you meet for a mani/pedi while drinking Chardonnay & quoting “Mean Girls.”
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
My daughter asked if she could marry her brother when she got older and I was SO uncomfortable because I was NOT ready to tell her about Alabama yet
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
DADDY! You said the S word.
With Bull in front of it.
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
“What fruit or vegetable extract have we not said was good for your hair yet?”
~Shampoo developers probably
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Why wait til you own a boat? name your fridge
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
I’m really good at acting like I’m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
[looks at text from 2 days ago]
Me: Sorry about your car, do you still need a ride home?
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
They say you shouldn’t drive distracted…
that’s why I make my kids run along side the car.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
The horror of touching the spoon on the bin when disposing of a tea bag.
Another spoon will now be on stirring duty. A pure spoon.
If there is a zombie apocalypse I hope that they are thriller zombies because they’re fabulous dancers
Was thinking of going to go to the gym and run 9 miles this morning so that I can look gud in college….but then I remembered I have TikTok filters 😉
#nofilter
Dogs should be allowed to drive.