Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: this is my service alligator. he’s trained

Him: it’s not trained. it attacks anyone who gets close to you

Me: like I said, it’s trained

[first date]

me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs

her: to meet your princess?

me: er yeah, whatever you say…

What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.

What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.

Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.

I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line

You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.

True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice

MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.

She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.

Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa

Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?

Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago

A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.

Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee

My son’s blood type is parmesan.

I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.

My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots

Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.

Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.

If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.

I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars. The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

That’s Saturday nights plans ruined

son: dad, can you spell upside down?

dad: yes but it does make me dizzy

I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.

At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s