Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy

Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*

This guys talking about “Calm down, everything happens for a reason”. Then he gets all angry when I punch him in the face. What a hypocrite.

Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU

At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again

My work here is done

My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’

I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.

If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.

Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

Sorry kids, Santa’s elves only make toys that would sell for under $20 retail.

I finally found the horrific smell in my house. It turns out I have toddlers.

[unzips fannypack filled with jellybeans and some fall out]
Dammit
[bends over to pick them up and the rest spill out]
DAMMIT

Me: This show sucks
Boss: Again..this is a zoom meeting

Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.

Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are

My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.

Me: Forgive me father I have sinned

Priest: Get out of my house

M: But it’s a big sin

P: *sigh* Speak child

M: I broke into your house

I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no

kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf

[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders

One time when my 10yo was 18 months I took him to the library for story time and he rolled his toy car under a bookcase and yelled “oh shit”. The lady stopped reading and everyone turned to look at me and I didn’t go back to story time at the library again

According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.

Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.