my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
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Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
I like how the inventor of the word “though” was done after just 3 letters but just kept going.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
If you start a sentence with “Let me reiterate…” I’m gonna ignore it the second time too.
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Every Christmas when I was a kid Santa Claus would use the exact same wrapping paper as my mom. At first it was kind of neat, but through the years it seemed creepy, like he was stalking her.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
I wish I were this cool 😂
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow