my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
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Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
You don’t use a semicolons correctly; you use a semicolon confidently.
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
My doctor says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.
Apparently, you can’t do it in Starbucks.
And now the cops are here…..
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
If ghosts exist, I bet there are a lot of haunted women’s locker rooms.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
It takes me about 15 hours to fully wake up in the morning
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.