my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
the best thing i’ve ever made
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
I have the body of a 21 year old bodybuilder. Can I borrow a shovel?
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
I love reading replies to long-deleted tweets and comments and trying to piece together the original context like some kind of twitter archaeologist
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
In case anyone was wondering if I’m this bad in real life too
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
This recipe calls for 4 cups of cheese. That seems like an awful lot. I’ll add 6 just in case.
