my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
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If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
*leaves work early and pulls in to seedy 4 hours stay motel on the highway. Looks around to make sure no one sees*
Me: This is going to be so great.
*sleeps for 4 hours*
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
The ways printers are like kids:
1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
“Your call is important to us”
[67 minutes later]
“Your call is important to us”
[hold music]
Alanis: it’s like raaaaaiin 🎵
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
Think of a thing.
Theres an e cig flavor for that.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
*shows up to date with horse drawn carriage*
“I’m so surprised!”
Yes it’s a terrible drawing of a carriage but he didn’t have thumbs so
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
who did the taste test?
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place