my only contribution to the “parental sleep deprivation isn’t that bad” discourse is that I have averaged less than 5 hours of sleep per night my entire life due to a gene mutation and my parents both deserve medals for not simply putting me in the garbage
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
When taking your driving test:
1. Fasten seatbelt.
2. Adjust rear view mirror.
3. Ask examiner if he dropped 20 dollars on the floor, you’re quite sure it isn’t yours.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Whenever my wiener dog misbehaves I glare at her threateningly while eating sausages
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Me: Can you help me with something?
Her: Not right now. I’m taking a nap.
Me: But your eyes are open and your phone is playing game music…
Her: Sshhhh, I’m sleeping!
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
“Open Mike Night” sounded like a lot of fun until I realised I’d been invited to an autopsy.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
This headline is a thing of beauty
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
A hearty round of applause for Starbucks, please.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
I’ve lost my pet pigeon in London. His full name is Immanuel Kant, but he’s a bit old and deaf, so if you’re in London, please go to Trafalgar Square and keep shouting “Kant” as loud as you can, and see if you can find him for me. Thanks.
#NationalPetDay
If you ever see me wearing anything fur lined or faux fur, please punch the person I’m with in the face. I’ve been kidnapped & need saved!!
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?
Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date
Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime
