my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
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This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
Cashier: Can I see some ID?
Me *Points to my 13yo son*
Animal: Touch me and I will kill you with systematic attention to detail designed to inflict the absolute maximum amount of suffering your mind can comprehend
Me: That tail tho
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
I’ve given up trying to remember to bring my bags to the store, now I roll my cart to the car and unload the items one at a time like the Pilgrims used to do
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
Someone on Facebook posted “Having the BEST DAY EVER!!”
So I posted the Sarah Mclachlan animal cruelty video in the comments
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.