my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
You Might Also Like
When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.
Him: I don’t know how to do that.
Me puzzled: when did you get here?
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
I’m at a bar with my old classmates for our 25th high school reunion. I shared a few facts about my friend with a random lady and gave her $20 to approach him and act like she’s part of the old gang. He’s been faking his way through it for 15 minutes now. Just like old times.
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
9: Mommy can I have a treat?
Me: It’s close to bedtime so no
9: A tiny piece?
Me: No
9: A molecule? An atom?!
Me: I’m glad you’re paying attention in Science but no. Not even a quark or neutrino
9: Is that a donut?
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
I didn’t realise until today’s walk around Peebles that I could have a favourite road sign.
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Don’t worry. Your secret is safe with me, I won’t say a word about your “wenital werpes” *winks*
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
“I trust him as far as I can throw him.”
Oh and we’re supposed to trust you, the guy who THROWS people?
Everyone is talking about the baby boom that’s coming nine months after quarantine, but no one is talking about how the divorce rate is gonna skyrocket.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
stalking her spotify playlists on the desktop version and looking at each date a song was added and cross referencing it with my own perceived timeline of events then analyzing the data and making assumptions that are probably incorrect because idk i have a lot of issues
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away