my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
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dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
I’m deleting some dumb tweets.
I need all your passwords please.
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
guys I’m going home
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Domino’s: FREE PIZZA
Me: sweet finally
Domino’s: ONLY $10 add $20 worth of stuff to cart???????
Me: uh what happened to free?
Domino’s: SINCE YOURE DONATING YOUR CHECK TO US PLS DONATE TO ST JUDE
Me: ok can I have my free pizza and make a donation?
Domino’s: NOW YOUR TOTAL…
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
What do you hear?
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
Bike for sale
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com