My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
You Might Also Like
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
panicking because i don’t know how to tell the cicadas all that’s happened in the last 17 years
Daughter: we’re both wearing vests again!
Me: that makes us vest friends!
Daughter: vest friends forever!
Me:
Daughter:
Me: HAHAHAHA!
Daughter: HAHAHAHA!
Wife: did you buy those just so you can make that joke with her?
Me: i’m invested in our relationship : )
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
Me: The salon had just closed when I got there, so…
Him: Don’t do this.
Me: I didn’t make the cut.
Him: Ugh, I’m married to a dad.
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Everyone is awful in their own special way.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
Seeing a bicycle cop is like seeing a snake wearing a lil top hat. Like I know you’re dangerous but c’mon, look at you lol
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.