bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
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Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
MI5 warned today that Chinese espionage online is being conducted on an ‘epic scale’ in the U.K. Not on our watch, our security systems are 世界上最好的之一。
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
I know there’s a lot going on right now in America but my husband just used one of the good towels!
I need plastic surgery to fix whatever it is about my face that gives people the impression I want to hear about their relationship problems
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
When I snag the last meatball.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.