@Ygrene

My only defense against my wife when she calls me a nerd is that at least I didn’t marry a nerd

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@ArrogantBB8

*waits until you fall asleep*

*tests out his new retractable air horn*

@Matt_The_1st

“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”

*Snatches glass and hands to my wife

@JKNenagh

Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.

* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.

@brendohare

Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long

@robdelaney

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

@theNuzzy

Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.

@Lhlodder

Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?

Me: My bladder mostly.

@MoistPork

“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.

(5 minutes later)

Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”

-Women

@Marcmywords2

“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”

OMG! This is just the middle.

Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.