2019: the floor is lava
2020: literally don’t touch anything
My only defense against my wife when she calls me a nerd is that at least I didn’t marry a nerd
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*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
“Dad, these glasses make everything look much bigger!”
*Snatches glass and hands to my wife
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Them: What inspires you to get up every day and get out of bed?
Me: My bladder mostly.
“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.
(5 minutes later)
Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.