My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
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My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
I’m an Obama supporter but there’s no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Bear attack by generation:
Boomer – kill bear level forest into a mall parking lot
Gen x – climb tree build fort
Gen y – wait for helicopter Gen. x parent to fix it
Gen z – die doing bear makeover for insta
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
There’s a woman reading the bible on the tube. Fighting the urge to lean over to her and say “He dies at the end”.
Me: Have you been following the H1B stuff? My wife: No, what happened? Did it mutate to infect humans?
“If you started at 16 and work until you’re 23.
That would give you 10 years of experience.”
Back to school for you My friend!
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
I dipped my toe into social media in 2015. I should have severed that toe.
An evil genius rising to a position of power is bad but it makes sense at least. Feels insulting we’re constantly seeing evil dumbasses doing it instead
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
My boyfriend and I got couples tattoos today!!!!
PLEASE do not tell my husband
“C’mon… Get better…”
– Me poking reality with a stick
ME: come here honey
HER: [yelling from the kitchen] i’m busy
ME: do you need anything from Amazon?
HER: [0.1 seconds later] i have a list
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here