My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
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My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
Heard this in a movie…
What do you call a banana eating another banana? Cannibananalism. 😂
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.