My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
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As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
I hope this email finds you in the paradise city where the grass is green and the girls are pretty.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I told my therapist I was upset she raised her rates again and she said that while I can’t control the situation, I can do something to control my reaction.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
Your windows aren’t that tinted that I can’t still see you picking your nose.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Window air conditioners are the camel of the appliance world.
You haven’t turned the A/C on in a month? It has rained 0.04″ in the past 2 weeks? Don’t worry, the A/C has planned for this and has stored up water to pour out onto your pants and the floor as soon as you remove it.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Listen, all I’m saying is that fish either don’t bathe at all or they constantly bathe. It can’t be both.
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Great! I just wet my pants. Now people are gonna think I spilled my drink on myself.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Note for writers:
If your characters are on the run from the law, they are “on the lam,” not “on the lamb.” Unless of course they happen to be escaping the cops by riding baby sheep to freedom.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.