my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away
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Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
I didn’t want to brag but the vending machine at work gave me two pouches of beef jerky today when I only paid for one
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
i’m not drinking 2% milk until we figure out what the other 98% is
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I call my toilet “Jim”…
It sounds much better when I announce “I’m going to the Jim” every morning.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
I know this ain’t smart, but that never stopped me before.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
No thanks, ancestry dot com. I don’t like the family I’m aware of; I really don’t need to know about anyone else
The elephant is my spirit animal.
1. we never forget
2. we hate the circus
3. we’re scared of mice
4. we’re Disney characters
5. we’re awkward in rooms
Judge: Let’s start the spelling bee. Your word is “mitosis.”
Student: Would you use it in a sentence?
Judge: “When my sister asked if any part of my foot hurt, I said mitosis.”
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Best vacation spots:
1. My Bed
2. My Couch
3. That corner spot at the bar
4. Air ducts at work
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!