my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
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Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
YES
YES
YES
YES
YES
-me watching the pizza delivery guy on my GPS app as he gets closer to my house
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
Interviewer: And do you have any experience as a carpenter?
Me, sweating nervously: YES I SPEND ALL OF MY FREE TIME CARPENTING. I’M VERY CARPENTROUS
Interviewer:
Me: I HAD FOUR RED BULLS BEFORE I CAME HERE IS THERE A BATHROOM I COULD BUILD?
biblically accurate fire hydrant
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
I know people don’t like when I get political, but if you’re going to vote, it should be during an election.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
Pop up from someone’s backseat to show you care.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
I’m okay, you?
Yea. Not bad. You?
Yea. Not too bad. Wby?
Yea I’m okay. You okay?
Yes. Not bad. You?
Not too bad. You?
Yes I’m alright. You okay?
Yes ya know. The usual. You okay?
I’m okay thanks. How’re you?
I’m okay thanks. You okay?
I’m okay
Good
Okay
Bye then
Bye