my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
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What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
This seat is reserved for pregnant people and fans of Cabaret
Show him you care by leaving the message “I see you” on his bathroom mirror.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
Over the summer, I went to the very North of the Isle of Lewis on a field trip to map the geology there with a close friend of mine. The google street view car went past. We had a geological hammer. The following masterpiece, now on google street view, was the result
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Artwork by Herta Burbe
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
One bowl of cereal: snack
Two bowls of cereal: meal
Three bowls of cereal: Stop flashing your obvious wealth, Tristan
Whoever invented the carpet sweeper probably died laughing.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Relationships: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.