my only knowledge of animals is that turtles like pizza and cats like lasagna
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*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
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Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
People reporting the royal family to the police for living suspiciously lavish lives without a job or any work to show for it is exactly what I needed to hear today!😂🤣😂😅🤣🙊🤭😂😂🤣😅🤣😂😅🥲🤣😂😅🤭🙊🥲🤣🤣😂👏👏👏👏
#Grifters
#AbolishTheMonarchy![]()
Lmao 🤣
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“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
my problematically hot line cook found kittens in the parking lot and he had to drag me back inside because i’m now just sitting out there trying to feed them shrimp
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails