Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.

I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.

It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it

Househunters, but for birds

Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.

Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops

Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick

Sometimes parenting means asking the tough questions like, “Why is there a rock in the refrigerator?”

Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?

Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.

[on a stakeout]

COP: did you bring your walkie talkie

ME: no but I do have a runny nosey

It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.

I like talking to bartenders because they can’t go anywhere.

if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab

If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is

“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.

*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*

I won’t say anything if you don’t.

*continues rummaging*

[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]

ME: *sigh*

HER: still mad at Totino’s?

M: yeah

*gets laser eye surgery*

“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”

I told you, that’s not what—

*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*

1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”

2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.

“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.

Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”

“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”

*connects*

Agent: Hello

Me (whispering): hello

Another previously unknown dinosaur was the Thesaurus who used flowery language to confuse and disorient predators while he made his escape

If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.

Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws

how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾‍♂️

[break room]

coworker: what’s for lunch?

me: [eating] food, generally

cw: no, I mean what are you having?

me: an unwanted conversation

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?

My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)

Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning