My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
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With every wisdom tooth lost, your mouth gets a little stupider.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
Kids have it rough these days. Alexa wasn’t responding to my son , so he had to change the volume on his commercial-free, on-demand show by physically pressing buttons on the remote control.
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Airlines are like “okay everyone now that we’re all boarded and ready to take off let’s check to make sure the plane’s okay”.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????