Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

Rejected Olympic Events:

Javelin Catch

Jello Shotput

Border Fencing

Cardboard Boxing

Menstrual Cycling

Salad Tossing

Wrestling Demons

My eyes: *see baby on board sign*

My brain: surfing infant

Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

beat teen pregnancy and with the current dating market it looks like i might beat adult pregnancy too

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.

career fairs are such a disappointment to fair enthusiasts. “fair” is misleading. they should be called jobathons

*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.

Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now

Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..

Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]

I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended

Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?

Me: it’s my autobiography.

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.

“Don’t tread on me.”

– out-of-order sign on a treadmill

*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:

*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?

PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY

It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.

These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

My wife gives me the speaking treatment.

if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me

Time Traveler: “What year is it?”

Me: “2020”

Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”

Me