Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wait a minute….

Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?

Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?

When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.

Twitter: Ed Asner died

Me: Aw that’s so sad. What a great actor

T: Betty White is trending

Me: AAAAAAAAAA!!

T: She’s fine

Me: Why would you do that?

Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit

Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out

i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

I’m sorry mrs jackson
I am four eels

I didn’t mean to make your daughter cry
I am several fish and not a guy

*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*

Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.

“OMGJK” -atheists

everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.

Him: I’m leaving you

Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?

Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…

Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁

Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.

Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful

Me: Flies away

I did win the cartwheel contest but the other people at the funeral seemed upset.

I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.

So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.

In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.

I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

Oldest child: Here are 100 pictures of me as a baby eating oatmeal.

Youngest child: Here are the 7 pictures of me as a child.

Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid

One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter