Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?

Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.

“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats

[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!

On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.

[first day in hell]

Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me

if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times

If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.

Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof

Ah 1994, I remember it like it was thirty years ago.

*starts crying*

Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!

Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.

My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.

[First date]

Her dad: I want her home before midnight

Me: but you already own her home

Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will

Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*

Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw

Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.

Her: So cream of mushroom soup.

Me: Basically

Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.

Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.

[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER!

[1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.

Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!

I like to move it.

But not move it move it.

Just the one move it.

Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.

Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week

You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor

I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.

I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.