My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.

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My cousin had his hand amputated in a tragic accident. Luckily, he was able to find a replacement at a second hand store.


*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?


WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say


WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker

SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon


*Takes leash off feral dad*

Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.

*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*



professor x: what’s your power?

me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws

professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid

me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?


ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net
911: where
M: between 2 trees in our yard
911:a hammock?
M: idk what his name is just send help


ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy




“Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal.”

Me: no