My cousin had his hand amputated in a tragic accident. Luckily, he was able to find a replacement at a second hand store.
My only real regret in life is not pretending to be a shark in a heavily populated swimming area. But there’s still time.
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*opens kitchen drawer*
Me: Whoa, what’s with all the whisks?
Sir-Mix-a-Lot: Why you judgin me?
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have a metal skeleton and metal claws
professor x: oh sry we mainly fight a guy with magnetic powers so bringing you along would be kinda stupid
me: yeah [looks at camera] that would be stupid wouldn’t it?
ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net
M: between 2 trees in our yard
M: idk what his name is just send help
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
“Tell me about a time you defied authority to achieve a goal.”