me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
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him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak
yeah not falling for this one
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
Sounds like a bargain
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*leaves toilet seat up at hotel*
[phone buzzes: text from wife]
*slowly puts toilet seat down*
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth