my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
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14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“How cute. You have smile lines”
Me: those are from clenching my jaw
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
my mom is yelling at my stepdad over the difference between a pillow sham and a pillowcase and I tell you what if you get the opportunity to move in with your parents as an adult you should loads of fun highly recommend
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
son: she literally knows nothing
me: not literally, figuratively. If it were literally she wouldn’t be able to function
son: you are literally the most annoying dad in the world
me: now you’re getting the hang of it
I relish the fact that you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup to me.
Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza: