my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
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“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
Psychic: People say I’m not a real psychic
Therapist: And how does that make you—
Psychic: shower?
Therapist: No
Psychic: potato?
Therapist: No
Psychic: vomit?
Therapist: I think I see the problem
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Whoever said “nothing tastes as good as skinny feels” has clearly never tried cheese.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
People used to laugh when I said I wanted to be a standup comic. Well, no one’s laughing now. Wait.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go