my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast

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Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now


Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.


14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’

Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’


At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”


Me: Santa, why are women so scary?

Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.


Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.

Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.


her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas


“This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see ’em!”
“But I can’t-”
*t-rex panics*



BATMAN – You call?

L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.

BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?

LK -*Nods*


You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.