my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
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DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
A web shooter like Spiderman would have so many uses, like I could grab the chips without leaving the couch.
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down unearthly monsters
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
[the Schrödinger home – Vienna, 1897]
“You see? She is both dead and al-”
“Erwin, let your cousin out of the bathroom. NOW.”
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
My girlfriend said, “Is there basketball on?” then put on the game and walked away. Two hours later, I’m like what is she doing? She’s napping. She turned it on to keep me occupied like a toddler.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”