Ever find a mirror that makes you look really good and you’re like oh OK this is where I live now I live in this airport restroom now
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
You Might Also Like
Great sex is awesome like a hammock. Bad sex is trying to get out of it.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the right.
Here I am stuck in the middle of this Batman themed children’s party.
her: so we could have sex
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
“This is the police! Put your hands up where I can see ’em!”
“But I can’t-”
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
You’ve been found guilty of murder in the 1st degree. Your sentence is 20 years of being trapped in a FB group message about a baby shower.