my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
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Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
I wonder if new batteries in my milk frother feels to my coffee and creamer what a fully charged vibra… you know what, never mind.
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
*licks lips*
Me: “Do that thing I like babe.”
Him: *orders pizza*
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
[During quarantine]
Kidnapper: 25,000 by this Sunday if you want to see your kids again.
Me: how about 40,000 and you keep them til next weekend?
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
I think my wife has been messing with me, my present this year was two socks that had been missing from the laundry.
*Steals parking spot from guy backing in*
Him:*middle finger*
Me: [rolls down window] I SEE THAT YOU’RE NOT MARRIED. I ALSO AM NOT MARRIED
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
“Why did u jump off that bridge?”
My friend did it too
“Well if your friend jumped off a bridge would u?”
Yes. I literally just said that
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.