My only stock options are chicken and beef.
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Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
*me almost finished with a chore*
Husband: Here, let me do that.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
So narcissistic, I crush on my alt.
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.