My only stock options are chicken and beef.
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
Someone just gave me half a peace sign.
weird
sliding into dms like
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
Okay me first
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”