My only stock options are chicken and beef.
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Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
Parenting is groaning when you have to watch the same movie for the 300th time, but also mad when the kid interrupts the movie because you’re actually watching it
You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
4: *hops in my lap* Mama, look at my picture!
Me: Love it
4: See green
M: Yep
4: And blue
M: Mmhm
4: And red
M: *flushes toilet* ok, hop up.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
Please vote for people who are attractive
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
A decision was made here.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
my bf is sick and i offered him a cup of throat coat tea and he (extremely blearily) went “throat goat???”