My only stock options are chicken and beef.
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[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
*puts PLEASE SPEAK AS LOUDLY AS POSSIBLE WHEN ORDERING sign on drive-thru*
*watches people scream into the box*
That’ll teach them to get my order wrong.
Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn’t reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
I have poor night vision so I upgraded to LED headlights because it’s important to me to ensure nobody else can see either.
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”