My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
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Me: If only we lived in a just world where everyone got what they deserved.
Friend: Including you?
Me: Actually, scratch that idea.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.
Can’t I’m too busy trying to decide if my sunglasses are crooked or if it’s just my face
Dance like you’re not the father
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows
If it ain’t broke, my kids haven’t used it yet.
God: Any other requests?
Angel: Ooh! Do a cow in sunglasses, holding a cigarette!
God: No problem.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Not a cellphone in sight. Just ppl living in the moment.
