Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded

*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH

Me: I like the funny horse cartoon

Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it

Me: haha the cops a cat

I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.

6yo: “Mom, I’m excited that it’s my first eclipse, but I’m sad that it’s your last.” 💀

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.

I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.

This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?

Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.

Serious question. How does my local grocery store keep figuring out my favorite brand or flavor of a product so they can stop carrying it?

What if we kissed underneath the tree filled with escaped research monkeys

Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done

Me: thank you

Therapist: now you need to pay my bill

Me: no

[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?

Her: I like dogs

Me: *dies in 10-13 years*

[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]

Me: hold on I gotta take this

me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed

5yo: what did you do to be tired?

me: *eye twitches*

Apple is releasing new product information today.

That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.

I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.

One of them is lying.

philosophical skeletons be like

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.

My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”

I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.

Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.

*flies away with my broom*

brian had himself a morning…

Relax, everything will be fine eventually, for like 7 people

Social Media and Real life

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.