My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
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I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
if you’re having trouble finding the match to one of your socks, throw it away and the missing one will immediately show up
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me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
“Dude go make the first move on her!”
“Okay fine, but I’m not too sure what I’m doing.”
*approaches girl*
“Knight to f3”
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
Agreeing to pick a friend up from the airport is nice until that time comes and you start thinking about if you really even need that person in your life anymore.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
“We will wed,” I threatened
I’ll never reveal my secrets.
Alcohol: Lol.
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
“Dog Detective, how can I help you?”
MY PERSON THREW THE BALL AND I CAN’T FIND IT
“Did you check his hand?”
NO HE THREW IT ALR… oh wait