If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
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“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*
Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”
Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
It’s really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So…I took away the door
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?
The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.
Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.