@JanuaryJames

My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.

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@sucittaM

If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.

@jazmasta

[kids party]
“This bouncy castle is twice the price of last year”
Dad no
“That’s..”
Please no dad
“..Inflation for you”
*kids start crying*

@timdonakowski

Store Sign: “WE HAVE MACE”

Think that’s going to keep me from shopping here?

@954LeenO

I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity

@advicefromphil

me: how often should I water it?

florist: you’ll just know

me: I absolutely will not

@LoriLuvsShoes

It’s really cute how my 16 slams her bedroom door, in the house that I pay for, every time she gets pissed off. So…I took away the door

@psybermonkey

Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker

@SergioValenCo

If you don’t want to marry me, why did you sit next to me on this bus?

@Gupton68

The wife declined my suggestion we try a different position in the bedroom for a change.

Apparently she’s more than satisfied with the existing two rooms/two beds arrangement.

@OrdinaryAlso

wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?

me: with… with your glasses.