Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing

If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

[texting]

-have a good day

You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂

-please stop texting me

Ha! You two!

i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of

Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once

If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!

I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.

Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.

Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.

explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is

ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments

GENIE: um ok

ME: I wish everyone was gullible

GENIE: Done

ME: And I wish for updog

GENIE: What’s updog?

ME: *looks at camera*

I’ve never been on Jeopardy, but I have put a 4yo to bed, so I know what it’s like to be asked about things you never even heard of.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.

Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries

“Honey the baby is crowning!”

*Lifts up hospital gown*

“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

I told the kids we had 3 of them so we’ve got one to make money, one to marry into it, and whoever’s left gets to change my poopy diapers when I’m done looking after myself. Long story short, they’re now in a race to leave home first.

And that’s how you win at parenting.

me: do you want to play some ps4?

frenchman: oui

me: no we only have the playstation

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”

there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

Nothing has paid off less than learning to do the Macarena

Friend: What do your kids like to eat?

Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.

Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.

Interviewer: So why do you want this job?

Me: I don’t. I just need money.