My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
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Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
bringing 3 beans to the state fair so I can use them to barter for cows
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
Eating chips and watching TV annoys me because of the loud crunching noise. Then I realize I’m eating chips and watching TV and I’m not annoyed anymore.
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
“can i talk to you real fast?” no you can talk to me in a normal cadence or not at all
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.