Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!

ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!

That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.

“I’m sick to death of people saying we’ve made 11 albums that sound exactly the same. In fact, we’ve made 12 albums that sound exactly the same.” ― Angus Young, AC/DC

You never feel as old as when you’re scrolling down to find your birth year

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?

ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man

420BLAZEIT: and mine?

ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.

[shark tank]

ME: my idea is a length of leather with the entire bible text etched onto it—I call it the saving strap

HOST: have you considered the bible belt

ME: yes we predict good sales there

Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.

[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee

Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.

ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile

HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.

Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid

-Nobody ever

Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”

Me: “Yes.”

W:

M:

W:

Me: “I mean no.”

W:

M: “How many guesses do I get?”

I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.

Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet

[i look out the window]

[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there

Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something

Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are

Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!

[speed dating]

HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father

ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop

Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).