My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
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*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
robber: empty the register now
me: sir this is a motel
robber: hurry up
me: ok *opens binder, starts erasing names*
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Age is just a number until your back goes out picking up a sock.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Showerkraut
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.