Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.

Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something

Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.

Judas: Never. He’s my friend.

Council: …and an iPad.

Judas: I hate that guy.

My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.

“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”

Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

please tinder add AI to your app. i dont want to be involved in the modern dating experience. let a robot do it for me. let the machines suffer in our place

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

Everyone else wants to talk about sex, and I just want to talk about cholera.

You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.

If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun

haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop

I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.

pros & cons of going out with me

pros: you’re not alone anymore

cons: me

Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.

I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.

Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.

I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.

But no, she’s still alive.

*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *

Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.

Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

[airplane nose dives]

*turns to kid behind

‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’

Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?

Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.

[End of day 1, building Rome]

BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss

BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

I went for a Pap Test today and the nurse said “I like your hair colour, is it natural?” and I replied “well, you’re about to find out.” [Seinfeld slap bass end scene] x

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Trying to get lunch w 4 yo in restaurant: “If you can’t behave we’re going to have to leave here.”
“But I want to leave here.”
Touché.

If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.