My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
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Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
it’s finally my moment to shine
Hubby is playing “Restaurant” with the kids and it went from them serving him food, to him calling the cops on them so I guess it’s not going well.
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
My son just asked me if I could take a picture of him while he sleeps so he could see the little z’s that come out of your nose when you sleep.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
Watch what you do in front of people. You never know when there might be a documentary being filmed about you and someone says, “He was dipping pieces of rotisserie chicken in tartar sauce and it made my skin crawl.”
Fun Fact
The Hubble Space Telescope was built to do several things, one of which is to search for intelligent life, it is pointed away from Earth!
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
The pens at banks are attached to chains because they turn into werewolves during a full moon and it’s for the town’s protection.