My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
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The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Saw a woman wearing her shirt backwards and I was like OH MY GOD ONE OF MY PEOPLE
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate’s maiden name, and a hieroglyph.
ATM: just any 4 numbers.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
im 7 sauces long
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.