My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
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FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Sorry I’m late, I was untangling my AirPods.
Look, we’ve all dreamed of seeing a car caught on a rising bollard. Don’t pretend you haven’t.
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Met a drunk girl earlier who had a “half therapy dog” bc it had gone through part of the therapy dog training and then just decided to become a regular dog
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
My doctor told me to avoid unnecessary stress, so I stopped going to doctors.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
this is me
NOT all policemen are strippers.
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
beware of dog
ive modified my phone to deliver electric shocks each time one of you unfollows me. The pain will make me kinder, humbler, and more powerful
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Preparation, pacing, and focus are the keys to success.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
Went Trick-or-Treating last night and all I got was yelled at.
If I hug you for more than 3 seconds, I’m probably picking your pockets.