My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
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Oh hey, sorry I accidentally rolled out of your bed, across your floor, down the stairs, out the door, into my car and back in my own bed.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
Knowing WHY you’re crying is for amateurs
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Genie: You have one wish left… use it wisely.
My dumb brain: I wish to know why sandwiches taste better when cut diagonally.
for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Asking me “what are you wearing” at night will never work out the way you want it to unless you’ve been aching to hear the words “Def Leppard pajamas”.
I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*