My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
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Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
For a hero, it’s pretty cool that Mario is just a dude who ignores his real job, does mushrooms and smashes his head into things all day.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
god: when i close a window, it opens a door. jesus christ!
jesus: ya dad?
god: you need a new hobby. carpentry’s not workin out.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
Loan shark put my mind at ease by explaining it wasn’t a threat, it was a promise.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now i run around the house uncontrollably at night.
Saying “You first” when the doctor told me to take off my shirt made the rest of the appointment awkward for him and I.
I only shave on days when I’ll be having sex.
I live life as a yeti now.
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
Want to feel old? We’re closer to the summer of 2069 than we are the original year Bryan Adams wrote that song about, the summer ‘69 AD.
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Why does laundry happen to good people?
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On