My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
[having a pizza party with 5 teddy bears]
More pizza, guys? Or are you… STUFFED? HAHAHA *eats all the pizza before they can answer*
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
You’re probably wondering how I tweet so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
*kicking in your front door*
I’M GONNA REARRANGE YOUR FURNITURE IT LOOKS STUPID
“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb
Great, yet another drive-in movie ruined by the neighbors saying I can’t park on their lawn and watch movies through the living room window.
Well, well, well. If it isn’t that same mistake I’ve made several times already.
“don’t tell your girl”
me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine
my friend just said “Kamala Harris needs to go for the juggler” & i didn’t correct her bc, c’mon, a juggler for vp would be amazing
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
I started dating a lumberjack.
He’s a handsome feller.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
