My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
“You may.”
*walks up to bench*
*boops judge’s nose*
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
People knock the internet but I’ve just discovered that Swindon Town is the only league football club in England or Scotland that doesn’t contain any letters that appear in the word mackerel.
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
plotting how to eat every deviled egg on thanksgiving without anybody noticing
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
15, driving: [runs stop sign]
me: ommmgg ok you ran that stop sign back there
15: but no one was coming
me: ok ..IT’S NOT A SUGGESTION
I’m not built for teenagers driving.
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
she would like to bark at the manager, please.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
