My onlyfans will be $9.99 and for that price I’ll ask if I can come over and hang, let you stress-clean because you don’t want me to see how you actually live, then cancel last minute so you can relax by yourself in your nice clean home. It will be called onlyplans.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
That contouring makeup doesn’t work on my belly.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
Son: Dad, how do you satisfy a lady?
Dad: First you rub her all over
Son: Makes sense
Dad: Then you wait 24 hours
Son: huh?
Dad: I make my own sauce
Son: this is just your bbq technique
Dad: Slow and low, that’s the secret
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
A game married people play.
Getting rid of my cleaning person sounded like a good way to save money, until it came time to do the cleaning.
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no thanks
Wedding planning is organized crime.
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
[Commercial for lawnmowers]
[Exhausted looking guy stood in his garden]
*Stabs a long sword into the grass*
“There has to be a better way”
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
Hate it when I’m minding my own business and an unmarked van pulls up with a shady-looking bear offering cheap farm-fresh honey and next thing I know I’m lying bruised and bloody on the side of the road but I guess that’s what I get for carrying a picnic basket in broad daylight
